the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Randomize
