Need sex. Gaining weight.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
