Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
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