you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
