I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Randomize
