My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
