drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Dick very happy bro
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
