I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
She's like a pop up book from hell.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Randomize
