seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
