Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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