Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
