he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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