Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Randomize
