meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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