Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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