She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
