don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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