Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
