My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
