no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
two words: eviction party
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
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