dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
