I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
