My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
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