i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Randomize
