I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
