so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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