the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Randomize
