Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
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