Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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