I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
