We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
