Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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