And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Randomize
