I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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