I haven't been this sober since birth.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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