I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
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