when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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