seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I think I sprained my soul last night
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
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