If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
and you fell through a lawn chair
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
