you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
