Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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