Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
