Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
