This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
