I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
