hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
