Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
