wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Do vagina's smell?
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
