I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
