i think i have two assholes
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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