New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
