It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
