Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
