if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
