I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Randomize
